A Bit of Humor for Finals Week
Finals Scam: Revenge of the Profs.
This is a true story from the Rochester Institute of
Technology. Acknowledgements are due my colleague Ken Reek, and former graduate
student Ed Ford, who together pulled the scam off with aplomb.
Several years ago, Ken was assigned two sections of a large
service course taken primarily by business students. The final exam was multiple
choice, and had a well-deserved reputation for being easy to cheat on (one
proctor, 250-300 students). Ken was determined to plug this hole, at least for
one term.
One nice thing about such a large class is that no student
knows everyone else who is enrolled. Using this, Ken asked Ed to attend the
final and pretend to take it like everyone else. Ken also told Ed to be as
blatent as possible about cheating.
At the start of the exam, Ken announced that anyone caught
cheating off another student's paper would have his or her exam confiscated and
would fail the course. As the exam progressed, Ed was peering all around, while
Ken periodically called out "eyes on your own paper." After about three such
warnings, Ken bounded up the stairs, crossed to Ed's seat, grabbed the exam,
tore it to shreds, and shouted "You're outta here!" According to Ken, Ed's
facial expression was a perfect combination of shock and terror.
For the rest of the exam, the room resembled a monastery
where monks were carefully and studiously working on sacred scrolls.
Mike Lutz
Rochester Institute of Technology
Rochester, NY 14623
The Final Prayer
And it came to pass, that early in the morning of the last
day of the semester, there arose a multitude smiting their books and wailing;
and there was much weeping and gnashing of teeth; for the day of judgment was at
hand and they were sore afraid. For they had done those things which they ought
not have done, and they had left undone those things which they should have
done... and there was no help for it.
And there were many abiding in the dorms who had kept watch
over their books all night, but naught availeth. But some there were who arose
smilingly, for they had prepared for themselves the way, and made straight the
path of knowledge. And these wise ones are called the curve-loosers. And the
multitude arose and ate a hearty breakfast.
And they came unto the appointed place, and their hearts were
heavy with-in them. And they came to pass, but some passed out. And some of them
repented their riotous living, and bemoaned their fate. But they had not a
prayer.
And at the last hour, there arose among them one known as the
professor, he of the diabolical smile, who passed papers among them, and went
upon his way. Many and varied were the questions asked by the professor, but
still more varied were the answers which were given, for some of his teachings
had fallen fertile minds, others had fallen among the semi- fertile, while still
others had fallen flat. And some there wrote for one hour, others wrote for two,
but some turned away sorrowful. And of these, many offered up a little bull, as
a sacrifice, in hope of pacifying the professor, for these were the ones who had
not a prayer. And when they had finished, they gathered up their belongings, and
went quietly away, each in his own direction, and each one vowing to himself in
this manner: "I shall not pass this way again." But it is a long road that hath
no turning.
Here endeth the lesson.
Submitted by David N. Blank <BLANK@BRANDEIS>
The Night Before Finals
Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
would loosen up their thinking.
In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes went ablur,
I just couldn't study.
"Some pizza might help,"
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
I'd nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.
When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.
His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
He started to bellow:
"What kind of student
Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers
What they tossed at us?"
"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Year's Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last Minute Crams!"
His message delivered,
He vanished from sight,
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night.
"Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best.
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a good test."
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade
their final exams:
DEPT OF STATISTICS:
- All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
DEPT OF PSYCHOLOGY:
- Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close
them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and
assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
DEPT OF HISTORY:
- All students get the same grade they got last year.
DEPT OF RELIGION:
- Grade is determined by God.
DEPT OF PHILOSOPHY:
- What is a grade?
LAW SCHOOL:
- Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
DEPT OF MATHEMATICS:
- Grades are variable.
DEPT OF LOGIC:
- If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has
accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student
will not receive an A.
DEPT OF COMPUTER SCIENCE:
- Random number generator determines grade.
MUSIC DEPARTMENT:
- Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the
corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
DEPT OF PHYSICAL EDUCATION:
- Everybody gets an A.
From: ZABRISK.auvm.edu@auvm.UUCP ( CHRISTOPHER T. ZABRISKIE )
Fail with Dignity -- if you are going to flunk that exam, at least go out in style